July 31, 2012

Sean Watkins, Head-Scumbag Engineer

Apple Electronic Services: Complaint Dept.

2134 Citrus Drive

Los Angeles, CA

(2)Dear Mr. Watkins,

Hey, Watkins, what the hell, man?  I bought yet another IPOD Nano from your lousy company the other day.  This is the second one I bought, and I am, quite frankly, pissed off. (3)  You see, I went for a run the other day.  You know, like exercise. It's probably something a hard-working, coffee-drinking, pencil-pushing guy like yourself knows nothing about.  So, allow me to give you a brief tutorial on how the human body works:  When you move around a lot, you begin sweat, and when you sweat, you burn calories. And when you burn calories, you lose weight.  Now, I know pale, air-conditioned drones like you quiver at the idea of doing anything physical; however, for the rest of us beautiful people, we like to stay fit, which is hard to do thanks to your product.

(3)Let me explain my difficulty. I promise not use too many words because I know how illiterate you are:  When I exercise, I sweat.  Sweat drips.  Yes, it does.  It's a natural phenomenon scientists call gravity.  So when the sweat, the downward pull of gravity causes the drips to fall on my Nano.  The salts fall into the guts of the IPod, causing a short.  This short burns out my IPOD, and then when I run, I am without my tunes.  This sucks!  I mean, this is second time my Nano shorted out.  Honestly, can't you California egg-heads design an MP3 player impervious to human fluids?  For $200, your product should be almost bulletproof.  Whoever heard of an MP3 player ruined by sweat?  My Sony Walkman from the 90s can take more abuse.  I can drown that damn thing in water and it still works.  However, just a few drips of sweat render your Nano retarded.

(4)Seriously, Watkins, I don't know such pond scum like you gathered enough cells to grow a spine and stand upright.  I suppose someone in your gene pool forgot to float over a sub-average brain.  How hard is it to design a protective case for a product used during exercise?  Because of you and your company's lack of foresight, I must request a new Nano.  As they say, "Third time is the charm."  Maybe by the fifth Nano you'll be inspired to lay off the Twinkies and do what you're paid to do.

(5)Sincerely,
Zeus in a Speedo,
a.k.a Charlie Sheen

IamGoduarenot@gmail.com

Instructions:  First, turn in your book to page 276.  Look at the sample letter vs. Sheen's letter.  Identify the five mistakes in this letter.  

Second, you must write Charlie Sheen a response email to this complaint.  Remember, you are a brand steward for a Apple.  As insulting as Mr. Sheen is, he is also a customer paying for your product.  Write a professional email in which you try resolve this issue as best you can. 

Third, in a separate paragraph, explain why it is important you remain calm, cool, and collect when writing Mr. Sheen back.  What could be at stake by writing angry response back to him?

You must do these three things to get the full 20 points.  I wish you the best of luck.