Tim Watkins, The Employee Who Knew Too Much.

Danica@pharmocom.cso
Dear Danica,

Yo, my baby! My main squeeze! How’s it goin’ at work today? Well, you know what I always say, “The same old grind here, ya know?” I’m working from nine to five, writing all these dumb documents about this new bio-genetic experiment da company’s comin’ out with. I never thought we’d be movin’ into genetics since we’re a pharmaceutical company. But, hey, it’s new and exciting, right? You have any clue what they’re doing down in the company basement? Now, hold on, lemme tell you, ‘cuz I know you don’t sneak around like I do—he-he.( I’m such a spy! And this is huge!)

Sorry, babe, I have to move on to a new paragraph cuz this is just too much. I snuck into Pat’s office a few days ago—you know, our boss, who looks like Shrek—and I just happened to see a printed memo on his desk . Now, babe, when I said this was huge, I really meant it. Evidently, the egg-heads have found some sort of dimensional rift down in the basement. Actually, it’s been there for years, but it’s not until recently that something came through that rift, something unworldly, for lack of a better description. Well, the ol’ bald, bearded ogre has gotten the attention of Uncle Sam. I’m sure you noticed that there have been some soldiers moving in and out of here lately. And, turtle-toes, check this out: I was looking at the elevator panel, ya know, the part of the elevator that has all the buttons on it. Well, the button for the basement is gone. As a matter of fact, the panel is completely new. (Scary, huh? Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in my arms tonight, lamb chop.)

Anyways, I read in the memo that the basement levels can only be accessed by pushing the floor buttons in a certain sequence---6-6-6 to be exact. It’s fitting, cuz, according to the memo, the name of the project is Lucifer Alpha. This is so huge that I nearly spilt my coffee all over my crotch. They got something big, and nasty down there, and big daddy don’t want anyone to see it.

So, I was kind of wondering if you’d like to take a basement tour with me. Don’t worry, don’t worry. I got a way to sneak past the security post. I hacked into the company network and gave myself top clearance. That’s right, honey chow, they’re two big daddy’s running this big pill dispenser now. What if they see us you ask? Well, you know how cheap that shaved ape is. Around four am, the security computer is programmed to shut off. Why? Well, that fancy schmancy system sucks up a lot of juice, and big daddy doesn’t want to pay for twenty-four hour surveillance. The cameras all turn off at that time. So, we can sneak in and nobody will see that it is us. “What about the soldiers, you ask?” Well, babe, stick with me, and you’ll go places. One of the soldiers happens to be an old high school buddy of mine. We played football together. I saw him the coming out of the elevator the other day. Poor guy, had that, I’m following orders look on his face, when he came out. I said, “Hey, Teddy” (his name’s Theodore, but we always called him Teddy). We talked and I told him what I knew and he told what he knew. He didn’t know much because, in the basement, there’s a door that requires top access to get in, and he’s never been beyond that point. Well, guess who’s on guard duty tonight. That’s right good ol’ spiral throwing Teddy. And he agreed to risk getting a court-martial to see what was behind that door.
So, snookie, ya wanna be my date tonight?

Your half-n-half,

Tim Watkins

Team,
Suppose you were Tim’s supervisor and you saw this email he had written to Danica. First, explain what email blunders Tim has committed. What might be some of the risks of writing such a lengthy email? Think about the legal problems and net etiquette. After you have answered those two questions, decide what Tim’s fate would be? Possible scenarios: Does he get dragged to some deserted place and get shot by the US Military? Does his boss take legal action? Or….? (Due next Wednesday, September 8).